


Resurrection

by TwilightMomofTwo



Category: Twilight
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-07 00:25:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 18,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/424850
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwilightMomofTwo/pseuds/TwilightMomofTwo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Without Bella's love, I can merely exist. Now that I've lost her, I am bound to wander this earth, alone and unchanging for eternity. - Edward, attempting to be noble, leaves again after the Night of Tears. Will Bella crumble or run after him? Eclipse/AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note:
> 
> This is an AU story, based on a 'what if' suggestion handed to me by one of my readers, Kzintikiller.
> 
> After the kiss at the tent, Edward's heart is already cracked, though his love for Bella leaves him no other choice than to forgive her for it. What if the 'Night of Tears' was too much for Edward to handle? What if that night had convinced Edward to be noble and put his heart's deepest desire aside to let Bella be happy with Jacob?
> 
> In this story, Edward leaves once more. He becomes a nomad, roaming the wilderness, lonely and broken, having given up his one and only love. This is a story of growth, of adversity, of forgiveness and of the resurrection of a once-in-a-lifetime love.
> 
> Disclaimer: All Twilight characters are the sole property of Stephenie Meyer, who has so graciously allowed us to play in the universe she created. No copyright infringement is intended. However - the plot for Resurrection and all the writing in this story are mine.

~Prologue~

 

_Dearest Bella,_

_I deeply apologize for breaking my promise to never leave again, but it is unbearable to know that I am the cause of so much pain. Your tears last night broke my long-dead heart, knowing I was the reason you cried so desperately._

_But through them and in them, I have found the strength to do what should have done so long ago._

_I cannot let you give up your happiness for me. I cannot justify claiming you for myself when giving up Jacob brings you so much anguish._

_There are more words I would have liked to write, but I will refrain because they would only cause you further pain, and would accomplish nothing in the end. Your continued happiness is my only goal, my only hope, my only wish._

_I've always been amazed that you could ever love me to begin with, undeserved as it was. These past months have been the very best of my long life, and I give my thanks to the Creator that I was allowed to spend them with you, basking in your warmth, in your smiles, in your love._

_You've taught me so many wonderful things – that love is a gift to be treasured and cherished, that even the most horrific mistakes can be forgiven, that bravery and strength is found when least expected, that the monster inside me does not define who I am, and that there is much beauty in the world around us._

_And though we've now come to the end of our road together, and our new paths will take us in different directions, I'm taking with me the memories of your beauty and your love, which shall sustain me in the years to come._

_I consider myself a lucky man to have been loved by you._

_I am leaving Forks, but my family will remain for now. I am hopeful that you will still consider them your friends. They, like me, love you very much._

_I release you from your promise to marry me and wish you all the very best for a long and happy life with him._

_I'll never forget you, and I'll always love you._

_Edward_

ooo~~~OOO~~~ooo

* * *

A/N: Please let me know what you think. All reviews are appreciated and cherished. 


	2. The Abdication of Edward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first full chapter, telling Edward's side of the night of tears. Please note that Edward is slightly OOC due to the nature of this story, but the character traits we all love so much remain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Many heartfelt thank yous to my lovely friends, Bella's Executioner and Bitter Shade, who so kindly reviewed and edited this first chapter, and gave me much to think about. Shout out to Kzintikiller for the 'what if' that prompted this story.
> 
> Songlist: 21 Guns - Green Day; Already gone - Kelly Clarkson; Goodbye to you - Michelle Branch; Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley
> 
> Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the queen bee of all things Twilight, and these characters belong to her. I just play with them in my spare time. No copyright infringement is intended, and I sure as hell don't make any money from this.
> 
> One more big Thank You to my dear husband who puts up with my sitting at the PC all night long, typing my fingers bloody.

**1\. The Abdication of Edward**

_When you're at the end of the road_

_And you lost all sense of control_

_And your thoughts have taken their toll_

_When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul_

_Your faith walks on broken glass_

_And the hangover doesn't pass_

_Nothing's ever built to last_

_You're in ruins_

_~Green Day – 21 Guns~_

I'd never seen her in so much pain.

It was a fickle fate that had put me in Bella's path eighteen months ago, a malicious hag of chance, of happenstance. Though I should have known better from the start, it had made me believe,  _truly_  believe that with Bella was where I was meant to be. I'd fought for her, reached out and taken her for myself, believed that she would be mine. I'd allowed her to change me in ways I'd never thought I could be changed; she had resurrected the human in me, buried so long ago.

In the end, I had lost Bella, despite everything, to circumstances and choices that I myself had created. In the end, there was for me only eternal pain and excruciating loss.

Bella was finally asleep, though her erratic movements and occasional whimpers indicated that she was still tormented, even in her dreams. At times, _his_  name fell from her luscious lips in a whisper, her pain evident in her tortured moans.

She had cried for hours while I held her pressed against me, my arms gently supporting her body, as she lay in my lap. I had driven her home after finding her in her truck on her way back from her visit with her  _friend,_  who'd been badly hurt fighting the newborn army.

The mongrel. The bane of my existence. The thorn in my side, the roadblock to my happiness. The teenage wolf-boy who's only intent was to take Bella away from me.

And now it seemed he had succeeded.

As her tears soaked my shirt and wet my chest, as her hysterical crying pierced with sharp stabs at the fissure in my long dead heart, the crack caused by her indifference to my own suffering – those tears had had achieved what none of his scheming could. I bowed under the flow of the salty fluids spilling across her flushed cheeks, and the pressure of the wounds she had inflicted broke my heart in two separate pieces, a fracture that would not be healed.

While she cried, none of my soothing working to stem the flow of tears, my thoughts had drifted to what had brought us to this point – and the fault for it all lay with me, and my decision to leave her shortly after her eighteenth birthday.

For months, I had been fighting to stay away as I had promised her, though I was already at my breaking point when the news came of her assumed death and I'd fled to Italy to seek oblivion in the heart of Volterra.

During my absence, she had sought comfort with a childhood friend, who turned out to be a werewolf, but who had kept her safe from harm while I was gone. And then Victoria, that wicked creature, had assembled an army of newborns to come and take my love away. That fight I had won – the fight for Bella's heart I had not.

Perhaps I had gone about it the wrong way. Perhaps my decision to be more tolerant of her friendship with the dog,  _the very one_  I had made necessary when I'd left her, had become my downfall. I knew from his mind that every time she visited him, he spoke derisively of me and my family, I knew that he'd poisoned her against me, reminding her whenever possible that I had left her once, and that I would simply leave again.

She had wounded me by going back to him each time he had hurt her with his words or his deeds, forgiving him for it all, without taking my feelings into consideration. I was so angry underneath it all, but I had kept the fury at bay, playing the game she wanted me to play. Accepting him as her friend, and letting him drive a stake through my frozen heart.

A stake that she'd held in her small hands while he'd hammered it home.

She had wounded me by not making a choice, knowing that I was concerned for her safety, knowing that he was trying to win her heart, and trying to turn her against me.

She had wounded me each and every time she refused one of my gifts, small and insignificant as they were, seeing how grand gestures were definitely not allowed.

She had wounded me deeply when she'd refused to wear my mother's ring after accepting my proposal. If one could call it that – it had certainly felt more like a contract, like a covenant, a bargain we had struck to each obtain what we desired most, and it felt cheapened by the way it had come about.

If I made love to her while she was still human, she would marry me. If she would marry me, I'd make love to her and then, if I didn't kill her first in the process, change her into one of us. Certainly, I wished to make her mine in every sense of the word, and I had long been perpetually aroused in her presence, but my strict upbringing, combined with my fear of hurting her, had prevented me from acting on my lust. I had struggled every minute of every day to not ravish her the way I wanted to so desperately, to keep her virtue intact, a struggle she had no comprehension of, and something that she didn't value at all. Or so it seemed.

But she had wounded me like nothing else when she had asked that rotten mutt to kiss her atop the mountain before he left for battle. Sure, I'd had a hand in that, too – my gloating about our engagement had caused him severe pain, but he'd deserved to know. At least, that had been my official reason for speaking the words inside the tent, when I knew he could hear me.

In hindsight, perhaps that had been the final push she'd needed towards him. I'd stupidly given in to playing him the same way he played her. I'd given in to the temptation of beating him at this childish game, and effectively, had lowered myself to his level. Afterwards, I'd found her crying in the tent, and she flew into my arms, ripping at my clothes, begging me to take her right there, and make her forget everything.

Needless to say, I'd refused, for various reasons, the first and foremost being that she stank of him, his abhorrent stench in her hair, on her skin and most of all, her lips. Those same lips that had been pressed against his, that had opened when her tongue had slipped past them and entangled with his inside his mouth. Every painful second of it was on a loop inside my head after the images had been forcefully injected into my mind, his thoughts abounding with them as he'd left the campsite.

He could kiss her the way I could not, and I despised him for it.

After I had dispatched Victoria and her consort, with Seth's help, and I'd warily approached Bella, certain that having seen me kill another sentient creature, albeit one that was out to murder her, she would now run from me screaming, Bella had surprised me again, by flying into my arms, crying in relief that I wasn't hurt. She had handled the whole situation much better than I had anticipated.

Then  _he_  stupidly got himself hurt towards the very end of the fight in the clearing, and when she found out, she had fainted, giving me the fright of my life, and then had been chomping at the bit to go see him, to make sure he was not seriously injured, and would be alright. We'd stood hand in hand in front of his bed, though he was unconscious at the time, and I felt an odd gratitude towards him, for fighting to keep Bella safe, and veritable sorrow that he was hurt.

I still despised him for his meaning in her life. We both had fought for her safety, and I couldn't help but wonder if she would have reacted the same way if I'd been the one to get hurt in the process. At least in the physical sense, because emotionally, I'd been hurting for a long time, not that she seemed to care or question it.

After making an appearance at home to cook dinner, she went back to see  _him_ , to speak to him alone. I didn't know what was said, Alice obviously couldn't see any of it, and I was too proud to ask Bella. Not that I'd had the chance anyway, since she'd been in tears from the moment I'd reached her truck, parked by the side of the road.

While she was crying that night, I had gone through a variety of emotions. It started out with anguish that she was crying so hard. Seeing her in that state made my frozen heart constrict with sorrow for her pain. But it seemed that my being there helped to soothe her, if only a little, so I'd felt relief that despite it all she still found some kind of comfort in my arms. Then her hysterics had gotten worse, a whole new torrent of tears had fallen, and I hadn't known what brought it on.

I was angry – here she was crying over that rotten dog, whose only motive was to tear us apart, to destroy our love. Could she not see that?

My thoughts had drifted as I held her and focused in on my own pain. A terrible thought had come to the forefront of my mind – what if she was crying because she felt that she had some kind of obligation to me? What if she was in such a state because she had made me a promise, accepted my proposal of marriage, and now felt that she had to go through with it? What if she didn't really want me and she was crying because she'd rather be with that mutt, but felt she had no choice?

Bella was never one to shirk back from a promise made, never the kind of girl to go back on her word.

I couldn't stop the thoughts. They swirled around my mind, burned in the pit of my stomach, and ravaged through every cell in my body. I looked down at her face, her eyes screwed shut, streaks of tears lining her cheeks and my insides went cold. That had to be it.

The message was clear – I pick you, Edward, but it's killing me.

And with every tear, and every gasp of pain, that new direction became stronger in my mind, burning the wounds she had inflicted with her indifference, her indecision, her disregard for how I felt.

Now all I felt was numb. I couldn't yet grieve.

Several weeks ago, she had declared herself Switzerland, refusing to pick sides in the age-old enmity of vampires and werewolves. I wondered now if that had been simply a ploy. She must have realized that she had to pick a side, that standing in the middle, torn between me and him, could only end in heartbreak and misery, and her refusal to make a choice was the first fissure cracking my heart.

And it had fueled my anger.

I knew all about heartbreak, knew what misery was like. I'd lived it for six longs months without her. Being without Bella was not a life – it was just an existence. Could I go this route again?

Another gasp of pain fell from her lips and made the choice for me.

I would relinquish her to him. I would no longer be responsible for her pain, could not bear to be the cause of it. I would bury the love I felt for her, would always feel for her, and hide it inside the pieces of my frozen heart.

She deserved happiness in whichever form she chose.

The threat from the newborns was eliminated. There was the Volturi to consider, but Bella's silent mind could not be tracked and she would be safe once I was gone. I was certain that she would be protected by the wolves, and once she married – no, I could not bear the thought of it. Either way, she would be safe and sound, living out her human life amidst strong fighters, and a boy who loved her.

As for me, I was leaving Forks, the small town nestled in the Olympic peninsula, the one place that I'd called home in my nearly ninety years of walking this earth as a vampire. I certainly couldn't stay. My new path would make me a nomad, and I would wander the vast wilderness, though I would make a large berth around Denali.

And should the Volturi come looking for me, intent on finding Bella, I would take whatever punishment they might dole out, but I would never reveal her location. If the choice was death, or Aro finding out about Bella, I would do whatever it took to eliminate the threat. Even if it meant dying myself.

Life was worth nothing without her, anyway.

The sun would still rise in the morning, but my world would remain at the heart of darkness. The brilliance of my shooting star had finally fallen past the horizon.

I gently disentangled myself from her grasp on my tear-stained shirt, and stepped over to her desk, sitting down in the old wooden chair, picking up a pen and opening one of her old school notebooks. I found an empty page and after a few failed attempts, simply wrote her a letter of goodbye, giving my reasons for leaving, begging her forgiveness, and professing my undying love for her. I left out some of my darker thoughts – there was no point to mentioning them. She'd never see it my way – the experiences of the past few months had taught me that much.

The phone buzzed, displaying Alice's name. I didn't answer. I knew she'd seen my decision as soon as I sat down to write the letter, but I was in no mood to talk to her, nor did I want her to attempt persuading me to change my mind.

I destroyed the unfinished letters, and folded the one for Bella, propping it against the alarm clock on her nightstand where she'd be certain to find it come morning.

I jumped through the window, and stole a white rose from a neighbor's yard, which I then laid next to the folded letter, after carefully removing all thorns. An erratic chuckle burst through my lips as I flicked the thorns out the window. While I certainly didn't want her to prick herself, she would be safe even if she did, no longer in danger if she spilled a drop of her precious blood.

With a gentle kiss to her forehead, I allowed myself one last deep breath of her incomparable scent, letting it swirl across my tongue and inflame my throat, savoring the aroma of her unique fragrance. I tucked the coverlet around her once more, and stepped towards the window, the doorway to my only sanctuary, the room where she slept.

Her small form was still on the bed, her breathing deep and restful, her heart beating slow and rhythmically. I looked at her for a long time, memorizing the gentle curves of her glorious body, the shiny locks of her mahogany hair, her delicate neck, and the warmth of her skin. At last, I raised my eyes to her heart-shaped face and committed to memory the high cheekbones, still streaked with dried tears, the curves of her luscious lips, her small, delicate nose and the long lashes that fluttered against her cheeks.

A heaving sob rose in my chest. I was breaking my promise to never leave again, but I knew I could not stay. The pain of going back on my word was staggering, the anguish of leaving her excruciating.

"Goodbye, Bella, my only love. I'll miss you more than words can hold." My broken whisper floated through the room as I forcefully threw my body out the window and hit the ground running towards my family's house.

I didn't get very far when the phone buzzed in my pocket again. Coming to a stop, I pulled it out to check the screen, though I didn't really have to. The only one calling would be Alice, which was confirmed when her name flashed across the display.

I pressed the end button and put the phone away, not willing to talk to my sister, not willing to hear what she might have to say. I wouldn't be swayed, and since I wasn't asking them to leave this time, there was nothing she could say or do to change my mind. I didn't want to see any of her visions, I didn't want to know how they might have changed now that my decision was made.

Certainly, her vision of a white wedding was completely out of the realm of possibility now. Marriage was no longer an option or a possibility. There was no one for me except Bella, and there never would be another I would want to marry. The only one to ever capture my heart lay asleep in her bed, and did not yet know what I had decided.

I had briefly considered waiting for Bella to wake up to tell her of my leaving in person, but had decided against it. No good would come from it. She'd try to convince me to stay, putting her own happiness aside, and I wouldn't let her do that.

And a tiny, rather cantankerous voice at the back of my mind whispered that if she truly wanted me, she'd come after me.

That would be the day. Hell would have to freeze over for that to ever happen. In most likelihood, she'd wake up in the morning, read my letter and breathe a sigh of relief that I had made the choice for us, and spared her having to say the words herself.

The very subtle ways in which she had made her opinion known, acquiescing to the dog's demands on her time, allowing his derisive comments, his utter lack of manners, were telling the real story of her heart; she had even forgiven him for wishing her dead. He never had her best interest at heart, had ridiculed her for loving me, undermined our relationship by telling her I would leave again, and she had not stood up for us.

Each of his words and each inaction on her part was like a pinprick, stabbing the raw wounds we still carried after our time apart, and healing ourselves and each other was impossible with him around. We had never taken or been given the time to talk about what happened, what she went through while I was gone, what misery we both encountered in the pits of hell that was our separation.

I could hear Alice running through the forest towards me, her thoughts intent on cutting me off. Ignoring her phone calls had seemingly only prompted her to come after me in person. Not having any intention of speaking with her, I circumvented her easily, much faster than she'd ever be, and reached the house as she was hot on my trail.

I flew through the front door, past the astonished faces of Emmett and Jasper, neither of which had the time to form a full thought, ran past Rosalie coming down the stairs whose head snapped around as I blew by her, and straight into my room, locking the door after I forcefully threw it shut. Turning around, I froze as my eyes fell on the black cast-iron bed, looking so large and inviting, and utterly out of place in a vampire's bedroom, and the memories of Bella's prone form lying on top of the soft mattress, wrapped in the silky covers, eyes following my every move, slammed into my mind like a battering ram.

I had purchased for Bella's first sleepover, that first night I had left town to hunt after our long separation, and the night that everything had gone to hell in a handbasket. Foolishly, out of concern for Bella's safety, I had asked my sister to kidnap her so Bella couldn't see Jacob, and Bella's reaction to it was expected and deserved. I had henceforth adopted a policy of tolerance and acceptance in answer to her reaction, but that policy had in the end cost me my love.

In hindsight, that policy had been the beginning of the end.

My fear of losing her if I made her choose between him and me, and my acquiescence to her demand to see the dog  _because_  of that fear had only served to drive her away from me.

I had made so many mistakes.

And with that realization, the rage, the fury, the pain I had been holding back for so long, and that I had only barely expressed during my fight and ultimate demolition of Victoria – those long-suppressed emotions, fueled by the indifference Bella had displayed for my fears, my desires and my needs, burst to the surface and manifested themselves in the start of a path of destruction through my room.

The bed I had purchased for her comfort was the first item to fall victim to my unstoppable rage, the metal shrieking in protest under my assault, crumbling into dust like the small rose I had used as an illustration of my strength just a few nights ago, when all the world was still in order, and I had reached my heart's desire to hear her say yes to my proposal, to have her accept my wish to make her my wife.

I scoffed now at the notion I had fostered for so long – that the love we shared would be eternal, that she loved me as I loved her, and that I would get to keep her for eternity.

Feathers flew through the air and settled in my hair and on all other surfaces, as my fingers tore through the fabric of the fluffy pillows on which she had rested her head, drenching it with her luscious fragrance; I destroyed the gold coverlet just as quickly, ripping it into shreds, and then took a moment to look around the carnage.

Everything in this room reminded me of her. I ripped the stereo system from the shelf and stomped it into small pieces under my feet. The CDs we had listened to on said stereo were next to fall at my hands, as I tore them from the shelves and threw them around the room with such force that some of the plastic cases struck the walls, burst into pieces upon impact and the CDs inside stuck in the drywall. Book after book, some of which had found their way into my room from Carlisle's library, as I reread the classics Bella enjoyed so much, was swept away by my fury and joined the broken CD cases on the floor.

The leather couch we had sat on so many times, listening to the music float through the room, still held her scent as well, as everything did in this room – I picked it up with one hand and threw it out the window, shattering the glass, and listened with irrational satisfaction as it smashed on the rocky ground, three stories below, while my eyes roamed the room, looking for anything else that might be a reminder of what I had lost.

I froze again.

Amidst the destruction, on the nightstand next to the heap of bent and misshapen metal that used to be Bella's bed, sat a silver picture frame, holding a photograph taken at our junior prom. Bella's smile seemed a little forced – she was never one who sought attention, something utterly unavoidable wherever we showed up together, and I had after all surprised her with this date – while mine was wide and exuberant, as I held her small form in my arms, the hideous walking cast, a leftover from her horrific encounter with the sadistic James, peeking out under Bella's hyacinth-blue vision of a dress.

Despite the reluctant smile that graced her exquisite face, I had been so happy that night, dancing with her, holding her as much as possible, never letting go of her hand – it had been the happiest night of my existence until then, even despite the not-yet-a-mutt making an appearance to deliver a message from his father, to warn her away from me.

Well, I'd been exceptionally happy  _until_ she had brought up her desire that I bite her and make her one of us.

Despite my denying her wish, and our subsequent impasse, the summer that followed our junior year had been filled with wonder and discoveries of each other. Our first official date night, when I took her to the movies, bought her strawberry and vanilla ice cream afterwards. I remembered in minute detail how a small spot of ice cream had stuck to the corner of her mouth, and how I hadn't been able to stop myself from leaning down and kissing it away, her then-cold lips pressing firmly and passionately against mine, tasting like strawberries and pure Bella.

Back when kissing her still enticed the bloodthirsty monster out of his cage, and I had to beat him back each and every time, something that was no longer a concern.

Shopping trips to the grocery store, filling a prescription at the drug store when Charlie had a sinus infection, cooking dinner in her kitchen, and the many trips to the mall Alice had dragged us to.

Walking around the quaint little shops in Port Angeles, browsing the bookstores in Seattle, Pike's Place, a concert at the symphony.

Slow walks in the woods around our house when the sun prevented me from going out into the public eye, finding beauty in the nature around us, picking wildflowers to weave into a wreath that she then wore like a crown on her head.

We had laughed and played and enjoyed each other, and with each passing day, I felt more human than I had the day before. I was in love, deeply so, for the first time in my life, and I knew that I would love her until the end of time. Still, in the back of my mind, I knew that all good things must come to an end. She was human, and I would not change that fact. She would eventually outgrow me, and move on. I had put all thoughts of that into a small crevice of my mind, and tried my best to not let them mar the time we had together.

At the conclusion of our carefree summer came her birthday, the horrific disaster of a party, and the beginning of the end.

The memory of Jasper lunging for her throat was forever burned into my mind. The image of me flinging her out of his grasp, and her landing in a stack of glass plates, blood streaming down from a long cut in her arm, would torment me until my dying day.

Feeling suddenly like an old man, I slowly staggered towards the nightstand and picked up the silver frame, running my fingers over the engraving.

_~ Edward and Bella – Prom 2005 ~_

A sob built deep in my chest and forcefully pushed its way out, as I sank to the floor in a heap, pressing the frame against me. It was all I had left of her. I sank deeply into despair, suddenly realizing with force that I would spend the rest of time alone. That these glorious eighteen months of love, of laughter, of hope, of joy were over.

The door flew open with a bang as Alice crashed into it and froze at the doorstep, taking in the slightly altered state of my room. The destruction had taken no more than a half a minute.

"What have you done, Edward?" she whispered incredulously. Behind her Jasper and Emmett appeared, looking just as shocked.

"What the fuck is going on here?" Emmett was blunt and to the point. "What's the matter with you?"

Jasper grimaced. " _After this much rage, I'm amazed the house is still standing_.  _I've never felt this much fury from you_."

Alice slowly walked into the room, taking in the destruction around me.

I did not move. I was numb.

"You're leaving again," she stated miserably. " _Oh, Edward, you are so wrong in your assumption. Nothing has changed_."

I did not answer. I sank further into myself, into the sudden grief of realizing I had lost, given up all I held dear.

"Fine, you stubborn mule," she huffed, her mind flashing forward through image after image, searching for my future but seeing nothing except my wandering alone through what looked to be the wilderness of the Canadian Rockies, as she turned to my brothers and waved them away. "Call Carlisle for me, Jasper, please. He should have gotten off his shift a few minutes ago. Ask him to come home immediately."

Esme pushed her way through my brothers, took one look around the room and sank down next to me, wrapping me in her arms and pulling me towards her. Her hand pushed my head against her shoulder.

Like a rag doll, I molded to her form, but my arms hung limply by my sides, my fingers clamped around the photograph.

" _Oh, Edward, sweetheart, what happened? Why did you destroy your room? What did Bella say? Why are you even here? Shouldn't you be with her? She needs you. She loves you._ "

I did not speak. Esme was wrong. Bella didn't need me.

" _God, you're such a drama queen, Edward_." Rosalie's haughty mental voice entered my head. " _Get_ _over yourself. Think of someone else beside yourself for a change_."

I growled under my breath in response. I was in this position precisely  _because_  I was thinking of something other than myself. Alice looked at me curiously, and then a flash of intuition flitted across her face. She had seen my reaction to Rosalie and was going to use her to provoke me out of the numbness.

Well, that wasn't going to happen.

"Rosalie! Would you mind joining us up here?"

"Actually, I would. I'd rather not be involved. I don't know what crawled up his butt to make him rampage through his room like an elephant in a china shop, and I don't really care."

I was unable to suppress a hiss. Alice grinned, but it was quickly gone from her face.

"Rosalie!" Esme gasped. "You come up here right this minute. Your brother deserves our help with whatever he is going through."

She grudgingly got off the couch and climbed up the stairs, roughly pushing her way past Emmett and Jasper who was just ending his call to Carlisle.

"Oh, my God," Rosalie exclaimed as she let her eyes roam around the room. "What has gotten into you? What the hell made you do this?" She walked over to where I was limply hanging in Esme's arms, the photograph still clutched to my chest.

" _He looks so... broken_." Rosalie gently took it from my frozen fingers, and sat down next to us. She held the frame up to look at it, then lowered her eyes to me. "Does it have to do with Bella?" she asked, her voice suddenly soft and gentle as the questions of what might have happened flowed through her mind.

Somewhere inside me I found the strength to nod. Once.

Esme sighed beside me. " _Oh, sweetheart, did you two quarrel_?"

Alice turned to my brothers and asked them to leave the room. Though they initially wanted to stay, especially Jasper, who was shooting rays of calm and compassion at me, they did as she asked after a quick glare from her, and on the way down, I could hear a relieved sigh from Emmett. " _Gah, that's an estrogen fest in there_."

She shut the door behind them, but her entry had broken the latch and it wouldn't close. The door handle had left a rather large impression in the wall where it had smashed into it.

I thought idly about noticing these minute and inconsequential details, and wondered if I should be thinking of something else, something more important, such as the fact that I would forever roam this earth alone now, and that despite my best intentions, I had managed to make a disaster out of my first and only love. Before the thought could take root, the grief burned a hole in my heart, and I sank back into the safety of the numbness, where pain and anguish could not reach me.

Alas, I was not allowed a respite.

The three women with whom I had lived for most of my existence all sat around me, their thoughts full of compassion, their hands touching my shoulders, my arms, Esme's fingers running softly through my hair.

"Tell us, Edward," she said quietly, speaking the words for my sisters' benefit. "Tell us what happened last night. Tell us what Bella said that made you come home like this."

"She didn't say anything," I whispered haltingly. "She didn't have to. Her tears made it all too clear." The fiery anguish began to burn again, and I started whimpering from the excruciating pain inside my unbeating heart.

I heard Carlisle's car turn into our driveway, the gravel crunching under the tires. He was speeding down the three mile drive.

Alice nodded. "I saw her crying quite a long time. Did she tell you why she was crying?"

"I assume that she told the dog that she was choosing me, and then she spent the rest of the night crying," I hesitantly answered her question. Bella hadn't talked to me at all since I had found her just past the boundary line in her truck. She had given Charlie some excuse about having to tell the mutt something that was hard, and I had drawn my conclusions from that. I lifted my head to Alice, starting to feel the agonizing rage bubble inside me again. I could no longer contain it, try as I might, and it burst out of me, and I completely lost it my composure, all intentions of remaining a gentleman flying out the broken windows of my room.

"Why would she cry so hard? Why would letting him go be so difficult for her, if she's in love with me? If it's so painful for her to give him up, then perhaps she made the wrong choice. I can't bear to see her in so much pain. I can't bear it. So – I'm leaving, as you surely saw, Alice. I am sorry about that. But don't worry – this time, I won't ask you all to leave with me. You can stay here for as long as you like and for as long as you can possibly pull it off. I won't make her lose her best friend again, so feel free to go see her whenever you like."

I was vaguely aware that my tone had become sarcastic and spiteful, but I was so far past the point of caring, lashing out childishly at anyone, it just couldn't be helped. I was somewhat perturbed that I was divulging so much private and personal information to my family but I couldn't seem to muster the ability to rein myself in. My upbringing, my desire for privacy, my need to remain polite and a gentleman at all times – they all were overpowered by the force of the fury, the agony of the pain Bella had inflicted on me, and the utter desperation to, for once in my life, let it all out.

"So, basically, what you're saying is that you let her cry, without talking to her?" Rosalie asked. "You didn't stick around to ask any question? You are losing your cool and you destroy your room because of a bunch of assumptions?"

" _That's the most ridiculous thing you've done to date_."

"She was in hysterics, Rosalie, and certainly not in any condition to have an intelligible conversation," I spat angrily. "Yes, I let her cry. What else would you have me do? Badger her? Demand answers I might not want to hear? I think not. It's better this way. I'll be gone, no one will have to worry about me, and she can find her happiness with that fucking mutt that she claims to love just like a brother. The very same manipulative bastard who time and again has used her for his own sick machinations, to win her over, deriding me, deriding my family, and she never once put him in his place. She never once stood up for us. I'm done fighting, I'm tired of always having to keep my emotions under wraps, sick of feeling like the dirt she steps on."

"You say she didn't stand up for you – but she did hit him when he tried to kiss her," Esme reminded me softly. "I'd say that does count for something."

I shook my head. "Perhaps," I said wearily. "Perhaps, at the time, she didn't want his advances, perhaps at the time it felt like she was betraying me. But it's so much more than just that. I'm not allowed to buy her anything, I'm not allowed to spend money on her. Taking her to dinner is a major undertaking, and requires hours of persuasion before she agrees to go. Yet he can give her presents, like the bracelet he gave her for graduation. Not once did she question that he certainly had to have spent money on the bracelet itself, even though he carved the charm." I sighed before continuing.

"I had to pretend the diamond heart was a crystal, pretend that it was just a bauble without much meaning or worth, just so she would accept it. I had to snap at Alice to cut her off, to prevent her from revealing the truth about it to Bella, because if Bella knew, she'd demand I take it back. I'm tired of it all, I'm just so tired of being rebuffed all the time, of not being allowed to show her how much I love her the way I want to. She doesn't care for my feelings, she doesn't care that she's hurt me over and over."

Somewhere during my rant, Carlisle had come up to the room. He entered and took in the scene in front of him, having been given a short synopsis by my brothers already. I ignored him, blocked his thoughts and kept ranting.

"Two nights ago, she grudgingly accepted my proposal of marriage. She won't even wear my ring. I haven't told you yet, because it's really not a subject I would wish to discuss with any of you, but what the hell. It's not like it matters at this point. The truth is that she said yes only because we came to an agreement. It's not something I'm proud of. The price for her hand is twofold. I must make love to her whilst she is still human, and I must change her into one of us. For that, she will marry me. I suppose I'm lucky that she trusts me to a certain degree, because I insisted that we marry first, to which she agreed. But don't you see? It's just a contractual agreement. It's not based on love, not based on passion, not based on the joining of two hearts. It feels cheap and unworthy."

Esme gasped and immediately thought of the repercussions if I went through with that agreement. Carlisle's thoughts drifted in a different direction. He was utterly convinced that I would have the strength to hold myself back and actually love her without hurting or killing her. Alice was silent, having seen the outcome which she immediately blocked from access, and Rosalie was simply disgusted that I would even contemplate having sex with a human. To her, it was utterly out of the realm of possibility that any human could live through that to tell the tale, despite evidence to the contrary from our Denali cousins.

I shook my head to clear all of them out of my mind, and contradicted my sire. "If I had let her get her will, she would have lost her virginity along with her life that night. I feel that it's all about the sex and the vampirism for her now, and not about me. I'm in love with  _her_. Not because she's human, not because of her scent, but because she's beautiful and kind, and generous and gentle, and sweet and loving, and intelligent and captivating. I'm in love with her because she's Bella. Not because I lust after pleasures of the flesh, not because I want to make her into one of us. I wanted to keep her forever, claim her as my mate, but I no longer believe that she loves me the same way. Somewhere along the way, I lost what we had, and I can't get it back."

I took a deep breath to suppress the sobs that were building in my chest. "It all began when we left last September. I made a horrendous mistake then, demanding that we all leave, insisting she'd be fine after a while, that she'd get over me. I – we should have stayed and worked through it, instead of running away. If I had stayed, she wouldn't be so hung up on that dog now."

Emmett became angry quickly. "That fucking mutt. I'll kill him myself," he swore loudly, "if it's the last thing I do."

" _I got your back, Edward. I'll take him out of the picture_."

As much as I appreciated the sentiment, that was the last thing I wanted, though Emmett would certainly win that fight. It would break the treaty, and put my whole family in danger. And most importantly, it would hurt Bella.

"Shut the hell up, Emmett," Rosalie seethed at her husband, before I could speak, her thoughts at least partially in line with mine. "Don't be an idiot. Would you break the treaty?"

"It would solve the problem, wouldn't it? With that mongrel gone, Edward wouldn't have to worry about him stealing Bella away."

"We will not attack the Quileutes without prior provocation," Carlisle thundered, while Jasper sent a wave of tranquility through the house to calm everyone down. "That is absolutely out of the question, no matter what Jacob Black may or may not have said." Carlisle turned to me.

"Edward, you don't have any proof of what he told Bella. What you saw in his head may all have been conjecture to anger you, to provoke your reaction."

I shook my head as my eyes met his. "No, I don't think so. He's called me names in her presence. But then, of course, so I have I."

"Perhaps he needs a good talking to," Emmett suggested, cracking his knuckles. "Perhaps he just needs to get a few things straightened in his head."

I could see Jasper's nod through Emmett's eyes. " _I'll help with that_."

Rosalie was also of a mind to break a few dog bones. " _I certainly don't like your plan to turn her, Edward, it's still unfathomable to me that she would want it, and that you would agree to it, but I sure as hell don't want her ending up with that atrocious mutt_."

The situation had taking a turn I did not anticipate or want.

"No!" I said sharply. "I can't let you do that, Emmett. He makes her happy, and that's really all I want for her. That she's happy, with or without me." I raised my head to look at the faces of my family. "Look – I'll be fine. Really. I'll just take some time to clear my head, and get away from it all." I wasn't sure where I summoned the strength to speak those words, and put a small smile on my face, but I did.

"You're being stupid again, Edward," Rosalie said, sounding nearly resigned, and her thoughts matched her words. "You're running away, just like the last time. Have you not learned your lesson? Will you put us through all this pain again?"

Esme stared at me, disbelief evident in her face and in her mind. " _Edward, my sweet boy, why won't you fight for her_?"

I just shrugged. What was the point? I  _had_ fought for her, had given her nearly everything she had asked for and demanded, had gone outside of my comfort zone, had allowed her to do things that were dangerous and unsafe – I had even killed for her.

I had reached the point where I couldn't fight anymore. If she still wanted me, she'd have to come to me. I owed myself that much. Didn't I? Wasn't I worth it?

Of course not. I was unworthy of her love and always had been. I retreated into myself again, letting the numbness cover the pain, the grief, the anguish.

Carlisle had yet to speak, and he was keeping his thoughts hidden from me. I couldn't fathom why, but I was too weary to really care. I wanted to get out of the house, away from Forks, away from the place where I had found and lost my only love.

Alice had begun to cry, though no tears marred her cheeks. In her vision, she saw me leaving and it was hurting her to lose her favorite brother again. "Edward, I love you but I can't watch you leave again. I'm sorry." Sobbing, she ran out of the room, straight into Jasper's arms, who by now needed a reprieve from the variety of emotions that had to be permeating the house. They both left the house for the woods without another word, though his thoughts were full of deep sorrow for me, for losing Bella and my decision to leave, and at the same time, seething at me, for making Alice cry. He remembered all too clearly the time of our separation, and though I wasn't leaving due to something he had done this time, he still felt guilty for the incident that had started it all.

" _Goodbye, Edward. I wish there was a way for me to help you. I wish there was something I could do. I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself. And, for Alice's sake, please call when you can to let us know how you are._ "

Emmett stood in the living room, unsure what to do or what else to say. He sat down on the couch and stared at the television, unseeing, remembering the pain of our previous separation, wondering if the family would fall apart again.

I could not afford to care. If I allowed myself to care what my leaving would do to the family, I might be persuaded to stay. And I couldn't stay.

So I decided to lie.

I got off the floor and helped Esme up, then held out my hand to Rosalie. She slapped it away, stood proudly and walked out of the room, her demeanor haughty and unapproachable. "Suit yourself, you idiot. I do hope that Bella has the good sense to stay away from us after this, and that you'll enjoy the solitude. It's not like you're not used to it." She had a few more choice words, but thankfully kept them unspoken.

Esme's arms wrapped around me. "Are you sure this is what you want to do, Edward? Are you sure you're making the right choice?"

I hugged her quickly before nodding and stepping away. "Yes, I'm sure. I appreciate everything you all have done and continue to do for me, Esme, but I need some time to come to grips with what happened, and what I have caused to happen. Some solitude will help me work through it all. Please don't worry. I promise I'll stay in touch as much as possible. And once I've made my peace with it, I'll come home again."

She kissed my cheek, and with a weary sigh, she too left the room. I looked at Carlisle. His eyes were concerned, pained, questioning, though he still kept me out of his head. "A word, Edward?"

"Of course," I agreed, though warily, and followed him to his study. He closed the door behind us and turned around, his eyes watching me, his expression suddenly one of exasperation. He gave me the courtesy of privacy by not speaking aloud.

" _Alright, now tell me what is going on. I caught most of your diatribe in your room, but please do_ _explain to me why you have decided to leave her again, because frankly, I don't understand_."

I took a deep breath, unwilling to bare my heart again, knowing though that I had to, so he would understand what had made me come to my decision and that there was no chance of him changing my mind. What came out of my mouth though, was rather petulant instead.

"If you heard what I said in my room, then I would think you understand why I'm leaving." I even glared at him, my hands crossed over my chest.

" _I'm sorry, Edward, but I_ don't _understand. I can comprehend that you're hurt beyond measure, that Bella has done some things that were painful to you, but I don't understand why you're running away. Because, if you think about it, Edward – that's what you're doing now. You're running. You're afraid of what you perceive her reasons to be, and you're panicking because you think she'll reject you come morning_."

He was partially right, but I shook my head defiantly. "No," I said emphatically, "not because she might reject me. Quite the opposite, actually. I'm afraid that she'll forgo her own happiness because she thinks she has to stick with me, in gratitude of what we've all done for her, when we risked our lives, fought the newborns, eliminated the threats to her life. I don't want her to stay with me because of some misguided sense of obligation. I want her to _want_   _me_. I want her to marry me because she loves me, because she can't live without me, because even contemplating a future without each other is painful misery. And right now, I don't feel that she wants me that way."

" _So like an obstinate child, you run away, instead of giving her and yourself the chance to talk about it, and to work through your insecurities and your pain. Does that sum it up, Edward_?  _Have you given any thought to the possibility that you might be wrong? Running away without even allowing for the possibility that you might be incorrect in your assumptions – what does that say about you? You are letting your fears drive you away from her, and I believe we all know how that worked out the last time. Can we expect to pick you up from the airport again in a few months after one of us comes after you to save you from committing suicide? Are you truly willing to tear this family apart again? I let you go once, but I won't do it again._ "

I flexed my jaw in indignant anger and flew in his face, forgetting everything else around me, forgetting my manners and the respect I owed my sire. "What are you going to do, Carlisle?" I sneered. "Chain me up? I am not going to stick around for Bella to tell me to leave. I'm not going to let her or anyone else persuade me that I have it all wrong in my head, that she chooses me over him, because those are just words, and words are cheap and plentiful. She has with her actions over the last few months clearly made a statement. My feelings don't matter. I've been around long enough to know how to read between the lines." I huffed at the end to underline my speech. "And now I'm leaving, so if you'll excuse me, I believe I need to pack a few things. I'll call when I can."

He fell into his chair, resignedly. "Do what you must, son. Remember, this family will always welcome you back."

I marched out of his room, irritated with him, my whole family, and especially myself, letting my legs carry me to the garage where I grabbed the largest backpack we had, and went back up to my room. I packed sturdy jeans and shirts, my current journal, my treasure box and the picture frame. After I was finished, I took one last look around the demolition zone that used to be my room and walked down the stairs, through the open front door and into the dawn of a new day.

As the sun would rise over the eastern skies, my world had fallen into darkness, my horizon forever blackened by what I had lost.

Life, love, meaning – over.

ooo~~~OOO~~~ooo

 

* * *

 

**A/N:**  So - whaddaya think? Any good? Rotten tomatoes? Total crap and unbelievable? Best thing since sliced bread? Anything in between those two extremes? Your reviews are appreciated, so won't you leave one for me? Thanks for reading.

 


	3. The Awakening of Bella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the second full chapter. Bella wakes up, and Edward is not in her room. Hold on to your seats - the ride from here on is rough and twisty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Note: Many heartfelt thank yous to my lovely friends, Bella's Executioner and Bitter Shade, who so kindly reviewed the rough draft of this chapter, and gave me much to think about.
> 
> Songlist: Muse - Invincible, Linkin Park - What I've done, The Fray - Never say Never, Nine Inch Nails - And all that could have been, Meat Loaf - It's all coming back to me, Chris Isaac - Wicked Game, Roxette - Must have been Love
> 
> Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the queen bee of all things Twilight, and these characters belong to her. I just play with them in my spare time. No copyright infringement is intended, and I sure as hell don't make any money from this.
> 
> One more big Thank You to my dear husband who puts up with my sitting at the PC all night long, typing my fingers bloody.

**2\. The Awakening of Bella**

_It started with the perfect kiss, then_

__

__We could feel the poison set in__

 _

_Perfect couldn't keep this love alive_

_You know that I love you so_

_I love you enough to let you go_

_

_I want you to know_

_

_That it doesn't matter_

_Where we take this road_

_But someone's gotta go_

_And I want you to know_

_You couldn't have loved me better_

_But I want you to move on_

_So I'm already gone_

_

_Already gone – Kelly Clarkson_

* * *

I woke up with my eyes finally dry.

I had cried for hours after leaving Jacob's house, but letting go of him, the pain in my chest, along the fissure line of my heart, was finally bearable. I was so grateful that Edward had stayed with me last night, holding me quietly, offering comfort and letting my tears fall where they may without complaint.

I stretched languidly on the bed, my hand reaching towards the hard body I expected next to me. Usually, by now, he'd have pulled me into his arms for a kiss. I rolled to my side and opened one eye to peek, but didn't see him beside me.

I sat up and my eyes flashed open, automatically searching for Edward, when I realized he wasn't in my room. Where was he? It was unlike him to leave me without letting me know where he'd be.

He'd been here throughout the entire ordeal, holding me and giving me comfort when I'd needed him most. He'd been here, with his arms wrapped around me, when I had finally fallen asleep, exhausted from the hysteria and tears.

I looked at the clock on my nightstand to check the time, but my vision was blocked by a piece of paper, propped up against it, next to a single white rose. The paper was folded twice, and my name was printed on the outside in Edward's elegant script.

Oh. Perhaps he'd gone home to change, feeling it was okay now to stop watching me every minute of the day, now that the dangerous newborns had been successfully destroyed. I certainly had ruined his shirt last night with my seemingly endless tears, but I had needed him so much, and though I knew it must have caused him great anguish to see me in such pain, I had been selfishly unable to let him go. But my night of tears had also brought great clarity.

I knew now more than ever that with Edward was where I wanted to be,  _needed_  to spend the rest of eternity. There had never really been a choice. I was his from the moment we had met. We were soulmates in the truest sense of the word.

I smiled happily and picked up both the rose and his note. Sticking my nose into the soft petals to inhale the exquisite scent of the flower, I unfolded the letter with one hand.

The smile was wiped off on my face. The dying rose fell to the ground unnoticed, as my eyes tried to make sense of the words he had left for me.

The paper started to shake and the words became blurry. I tried to steady my hand, but it wouldn't stop moving. The words bled together, and all I could see were a few that stood out. I forced a breath into my suddenly hollow lungs as the hole in my chest opened once more with force, when I realized that Edward was gone. I read the letter again, and tried to understand what he was telling me with his words. He wrote that he loved me, but that my crying had pained him too much, and that he was giving me up, relinquishing his claim to me. I couldn't comprehend his reasoning. If he loved me, like his words said, why would he leave me? Why would he give me up?

I inhaled sharply as I realized what he must have thought, and I knew that I had brought this on myself. I knew, had known for quite a while now, how it pained Edward to see me hurt in any way. Never was the anguish more evident on his face than when I got hurt in some way.

And last night, my pain, my guilt had seen proof in the tears that wouldn't stop falling. The agony he must have felt, watching me fall apart like that, must have been excruciating for him.

"Oh, my God... Edward..." Guilt threatened to overwhelm me.

Swiping at my eyes to clear my vision, I read his words to me once more, forcing myself to read each line carefully and slowly.

_Dearest Bella,_

_I deeply apologize for breaking my promise to never leave again, but it is unbearable to know that I am the cause of so much pain. Your tears last night broke my long-dead heart, knowing I was the reason you cried so desperately._

_But through them and in them, I have found the strength to do what should have done so long ago._

_I cannot let you give up your happiness for me. I cannot justify claiming you for myself when giving up Jacob brings you so much anguish._

_There are more words I would have liked to write, but I will refrain because they would only cause you further pain, and would accomplish nothing in the end. Your continued happiness is my only goal, my only hope, my only wish._

_I've always been amazed that you could ever love me to begin with, undeserved as it was. These past months have been the very best of my long life, and I give my thanks to the Creator that I was allowed to spend them with you, basking in your warmth, in your smiles, in your love._

_You've taught me so many wonderful things – that love is a gift to be treasured and cherished, that even the most horrific mistakes can be forgiven, that bravery and strength is found when least expected, that the monster inside me does not define who I am, and that there is much beauty in the world around us._

_And though we've now come to the end of our road together, and our new paths will take us in different directions, I'm taking with me the memories of your beauty and your love, which shall sustain me in the years to come._

_I consider myself a lucky man to have been loved by you._

_I am leaving Forks, but my family will remain for now. I am hopeful that you will still consider them your friends. They, like me, love you very much._

_I release you from your promise to marry me and wish you all the very best for a long and happy life with him._

_I'll never forget you, and I'll always love you._

_Edward_

The letter slipped through my trembling fingers and gently fluttered to the floor, as an anguished scream tore itself from my throat.

"Noooooooo... "

He had left me – again. And like the last time, he had left me  _because_  he loved me. He only wanted my happiness. He left again because it hurt him to much to watch me cry. I broke his heart with my foolish tears, crying over what I had done to my best friend. My sobbing into Edward's chest all night had hurt him so badly that he had chosen to give me up.

The tears fell anew.

I curled into myself on the bed, my arms wrapping around my chest, as the hole in my heart threatened to rip me apart. What was I going to do?

Breathing became difficult, like my lungs refused to fill up to capacity. I hugged myself tighter, feeling like I was drowning in the gravitational force of a black hole, just like before. I couldn't imagine a life without Edward, never again, and now it seemed like I had lost him once more, through my own fault. Why hadn't I seen this sooner? How selfish could I be?

Through a foggy haze, I heard Charlie's heavy footfalls clamber up the stairs, across the hallway, and then the bedroom door flew open. He stood in the doorframe, breathing heavily. "Bella! What's... going on? I heard you... scream. What happened?"

I raised my tear-streaked eyes to his face and mumbled one word. "Edward..."

Anger furrowed Charlie's brows instantly, and his face reddened. "What has that boy done to you now? I swear I'll kill him myself if he has hurt you again. I told you, Bella. I warned you. He's no good for you."

Manic laughter bubbled out of me at the thought of Charlie hurting Edward, and the impossibility of that ever happening, and confusion flashed over my father's face. He took another step towards the bed and his eyes fell on the piece of paper lying innocently beside it, half covering the rose. He squatted down to pick it up and began to read. I watched his face carefully through my tears as first anger, then confusion twisted his face, and then finally gleeful gloating became the dominant expression. He held the letter out to me.

"Er... what does this mean, Bella?" His voice was low, cautious. "Is he gone again?" He seemed excited at the prospect. "What the hell is he doing?"

Swiping at the tears that blurred my vision, I bent forward to retrieve the letter, but he pulled it away before I could snatch the piece of paper from his hand. "I don't know. Maybe. I just found this when I woke up." I abruptly stopped talking when I realized that I couldn't very well tell Charlie that Edward had been here all night to hold me while I cried torrents of tears. Frantically, I tried to organize my thoughts to figure out a way to explain, but I was too late.

 _Crap_!

I could see the question forming before he even spoke. "You didn't see this when you came home last night? How did this get here anyway? He hasn't been here, has he?"

"Uh... no. I don't know... " I tried to think of something that would explain how this letter had found its way into my room, but nothing came to mind, and Charlie didn't give me much time. He held the letter up and pointed to the first paragraph.

"Bella, this clearly states that he saw you crying last night. Don't think you can fool me. He was here, wasn't he? In this room? I'm not stupid, Bella. I'm pretty sure it wasn't the first time, either, was it?"

"Uh... maybe?" Oh God, I was screwed.

His eyes narrowed. "And what does this mean, 'long-dead heart'? And this here," his finger pointed to the line about releasing me from our engagement, "what promise to marry him is he talking about? Did he... holy smokes, Bells, does that mean he proposed to you? And you didn't think it was something that you should tell me about? When the hell did that happen? Jesus, Bella, what else do I not know?"

A sudden burst of anger surged through me, and I shot off the bed, grabbing the letter from his hand. "First of all, Char-, I mean, Dad, this is a private letter from Edward to me." I broke off, unsure how to proceed. I couldn't tell Charlie anything about the world Edward and the Cullens lived in, I couldn't reveal to him the secrets that I had lived with for the last eighteen months. That would put him in terrible danger, and I wasn't about to get my father killed. I needed to divert him from that first question. I sank slowly onto the bed, and folded the letter, pressing it to my heart. Then I took a deep breath and decided to tell Charlie a version of the truth.

"Yes, Dad, I'll admit that Edward was here last night. Have a seat," I pointed to my old rocking chair, "and I'll tell you."

He looked at me, still angry, but also suddenly curious, and sat down. That was totally unexpected. I took another deep breath to calm myself before I began to speak, surprised that he had actually done as I asked.

"Edward was here last night, because I needed him. What I had to tell Jake yesterday was hard, and that's why I was crying, and I needed Edward to be here, to help me get through that. Truth is, Dad, that I've made a mess of things. I shouldn't have led Jake on like I did, and to be honest, you shouldn't have pushed me towards Jake like  _you_  did."

I couldn't stop myself from getting in that last dig, remembering all the times Charlie had insisted I stay friends with Jacob, all the times he had grumbled under his breath when Edward was around, enthusiastically supporting me when I wanted to see Jake.

"Come on now, Bella – Jake's always been good to you. He hasn't hurt you like that Cullen boy. You've always been so happy when you came home from La Push... "

Yeah, he would have thought that. But he was very wrong. I had  _used_  Jacob as my personal sun to light up the darkness without Edward in my life. I had started to spend time with Jake as a means to an end. He was helping me fix up the old motorcycles I had acquired, and those I needed to be reckless. I had a mission back then – to hear Edward's voice.

But Charlie was wrong in another way, too. Jacob  _had_  hurt me – I just forgave him every time he did, and then went back for more. And Edward thought _he_  was masochistic. I'd been such a fool.

"It may have seemed that way, Dad, before Edward came back, but I wasn't truly happy. Jake was a... distraction for me. I've known he wanted more, and instead of breaking things off, I stupidly kept going back, hoping I could keep my friend. I was wrong, and I should have told Jake a long time ago what I told him yesterday. It's always been Edward for me, from the first time I saw him. I  _know_ I can't be happy without Edward. Being apart didn't work out for either of us. We can't be apart. To answer your question, yeah, Edward proposed. Two nights ago, when I spent the weekend at his house." I held my breath as soon as the words left my mouth.

 _In for a penny, in for a pound. Might as well give him something else to chew on_.

"I thought you spent the night with Alice, and the rest of them were camping?" His brows furrowed again as he spoke as the flush crept up his neck.

"Well, actually, that's... okay, they  _did_  go camping, but... Edward didn't. I.. uh... spent the weekend with him." I was really in for it now, as Charlie face went first red, then purple, and the veins on his neck stood out. His hands were clenching and unclenching, and he almost jumped out of the rocking chair.

"What?" he bellowed. "You did  _what_?"

"Nothing happened, Dad, so calm down. We didn't have sex, if that's what you're worried about." I grimaced slightly, thinking of how I had thrown myself at Edward, so intent of breaking down his barriers.

I clutched the letter harder. I needed to finish this conversation with my father, so I could drive over to Edward's house and straighten out this mess.

Charlie's face became purpler still. "You... you..."

"Relax, Dad. I'm still... oh, never mind that. Fact is that Edward asked me to marry him Thursday night, and I said yes. We were going to tell you... soon. And... after this, after I talk to him, if he'll still have me, I  _will_  marry him." I said the last few words with utter conviction, meeting my father's eyes calmly.

"Where's your ring, then?" Charlie choked out as he seemed to search for a way to prove my words wrong.

That was a question I wasn't prepared to answer. Truth was, I'd given it back as soon as I was able to, the cool metal burning my finger – or at least, it had felt that way at the time. I could still feel the weight of the ring on my hand, and I remembered with sudden clarity the hurt expression on Edward's face when I'd dropped the ring in his palm that night, before I went to sleep. He'd tried to hide it, but I had seen the pain flash across his features.

At the time, I hadn't cared – I was too concerned with not becoming a topic for gossip, getting married at eighteen. I didn't think how Edward would feel, how ungracious and bitchy I'd been about the whole thing. I'd reached my goal to get his commitment to try making love, and that was all I could think about. His wish to get married beforehand was just an unpleasant side effect, and I had pushed it from my mind.

In the light of the new day, with his letter to me clutched to my heart, I was able to see that moment through his eyes, and my tears started again. I had  _hurt_  him. What was wrong with me? Would he ever forgive me? I had to go after him, right now. There was no time to waste.

My eyes fell on Charlie as I jumped off the bed, and I realized that he was waiting for an answer still. I sat back down.

"The ring is with Edward. I behaved childishly and gave it back to him, afraid that wearing it would be cause for gossip, or that you would have a coronary if you saw me with it." I drew up one side of my mouth in a crooked smile that faltered as the veins on my father's neck became more pronounced.

Charlie's mouth opened and closed a few times, but nothing came out. I was glad for the reprieve and forged ahead, still hoping he'd forget about the 'long-dead heart' he'd asked me about.

It was so unlike Edward to commit anything like that to paper. He really had to have been very stressed out when he wrote those words. My heart constricted in pain when I thought about the agony I had put him through.

I refocused on Charlie. "So, Edward watched me cry my eyes out last night, over what I've done to Jake, and to him as well, and it seems that he misunderstood my tears. I wasn't crying for Jake... well, I was, in a way, but not because I'm in love with him. I cried because I've hurt my best friend, and I've been really stupid not to see that sooner."

The relationship with Jake had changed when he became a werewolf. He'd first saved me from Laurent in the meadow, and then he and his friends had been working to keep Victoria away so she couldn't kill me. I owed Jake my gratitude, and I couldn't drop him as my friend afterwards. Things had been strained for a while after Edward came back for me, but we had fallen back into our friendship.

Well – I had thought so at the time. Now, I wasn't so sure. He'd told me he loved me, and that had made me very uncomfortable. Though he'd assured me he was okay with me not returning those feelings, I easily remembered all the times Jake had tried to talk me into leaving Edward for him, speaking badly about Edward and his family. All I'd done were half-hearted attempts to stop him. Except for punching his face when he'd tried to kiss me. I stared glumly at the brace I still wore on my right hand.

Edward had begged me repeatedly not to go see Jacob, only to change his mind when I'd run off to La Push behind his back. What had he said? "I'm not willing to let this drive a wedge between us."

Wasn't that exactly what I had done? Going back time and time again, trying to please Jake and my father, when I should have focused on pleasing Edward?

"Explain that, please." Charlie's color was slowly returning to normal, and he seemed to have gotten over the initial shock of my engagement. Well, my ex-engagement, if I went by Edward's letter. I hiccuped a sob just thinking about it, and Charlie's eyes narrowed again.

"What now, Bella? Damn it, I can't stand to see you cry." That simple sentence unleashed another torrent of tears, since it reminded me too much of what I had read in the letter. That was exactly why Edward had left me again. I shouldn't have asked him to stay the night, shouldn't have depended on him to comfort me, but I had needed him so much. I knew I wouldn't have gotten through the night without him.

"What do you want me to answer first?" I forced out through the tears. "I'm crying because the letter says that he is giving me up, and I don't want him to. I don't want Jacob, I only want Edward. It's always been him."

"But Bella, he  _left_ you. And it's not the first time he's done that." His insinuation was very clear.

Something inside me snapped. Suddenly, my path was clear, and I needed to take the first step towards it. "Shut up, Charlie. Sorry... but you need to listen to me. Edward left me the first time, because he felt he had to, because he thought it was best for me if I would move on. He never stopped loving me, not in all the time we were apart, just like I didn't stop loving him. And he is gone again now, because he thinks I cried last night over losing Jacob. And I didn't. He misunderstood, and he left me again, or he's planning to at least, because he thinks I'll be better off with Jake. And I'm clearly not. This is all a huge misunderstanding, and if you don't mind, I need to go after him now. I'll see you later." My tears dried rapidly as the anger overtook my other emotions.

I got off the bed and grabbed my clothes, running into the bathroom. I took a short shower, dried my hair haphazardly, then quickly brushed my teeth and dressed. My father was waiting for me in the hallway, when I stepped out of the bathroom.

"Are you sure this is what you want, Bella? He may be already gone. Don't lower yourself like that. He's not worth running after."

"You know what, Dad," I seethed at him, "I can't believe you would say that. I'm not lowering myself at all. It's Edward who's stood by for the last few months, taking everything in stride, not saying a word when you grumbled under your breath, not calling you on your behavior towards him, not calling me on running after Jake when I clearly shouldn't have. He has more compassion, more maturity, and more love for me than anyone else I know. And he _is_  worth it. Now get out of my way." Brushing past him, I stomped down the stairs in a huff, threw on a jacket and pulled the front door open, only to come face to face with Jake.

"Wha- what are you doing here?"

"Charlie called me," he smiled sadly. "He told me what your bloodsucker had done, so I came as fast as I could. Seth drove me."

I bent around his frame to get a glimpse of Seth behind the steering wheel of the Rabbit. He gave a half-hearted wave.

"Jake, this isn't a good time. I'm about to leave so... Besides, shouldn't you be in bed, healing?"

"Bella – I know what you looked like the last time he left. Of course I came as soon as possible. Are you alright?" He sounded concerned, but I could hear an underlying tone, something he was trying to hide from me.

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just need to go... I have to stop him..." I tried to move around his large frame, but he stepped into my path.

"Wait, Bella – what are you doing? You can't go after him... why would you do that?"

"You know why," I said carefully, looking into his eyes. "I told you how I felt, how I've always felt. I have to go."

"No. You don't. He obviously doesn't want you... why else would he leave?" His voice changed, and he suddenly sounded angry. I didn't care.

"Jake, let me through," I said, starting to get exasperated. I needed to drive to Edward's house before he could go through with his plan. If I wasn't too late already. My shoulders slumped at the realization. I had no idea what time he'd left – he could be on the other side of the world by now, for all I knew.

Alice! She would know. I straightened up and tried to again to get around Jacob.

"Let me through!" I said with more force than before. "I have to go."

"Answer the question, Bella. Why would he leave again?"

"That's none of your business," I spat, trying to push him aside, but he wouldn't move.

"The hell it isn't. I won't let him hurt you again." He pushed his way past me into the foyer and pulled me by my arm. I stumbled into the kitchen after him, shrieking in surprise.

"What are you doing, Jake? Let go of me. You're hurting me."

"See now, Bella," he said with a condescending smile. "That disgusting leech has done exactly what I told you he would. He left you again. I told you this would happen, but you didn't believe me. You should have listened to me. A leopard doesn't change his spots." He was still smiling at me, as if he was talking to a small child. "So, now that he's gone, there's no reason we can't be together. When Charlie called me, I knew you'd want me here."

I stared at him, completely speechless. Was he serious? What delusion was he laboring under? Did he truly think that just because Edward misunderstood my tears last night, and thought he had to leave to make me happy, that I would willingly fall into his arms? Had he not listened at all the day before when I told him that it had always been Edward for me? That there never had been a choice other than Edward, not from the moment I'd met him in that Biology lab? Was he serious?

"Are you serious?" I knew I sounded completely incredulous. He nodded in reply, and my anger flared again. I wanted to slap him silly, but I knew I'd only hurt myself if I did. So I chose to yell at him. "Are you out of your mind, Jake? Do you really think that I'd switch my feelings off like that? That Edward leaving because I broke his heart with the tears I cried for hurting your sorry ass would make me stop loving him? That overnight, I'd be in love with you? Good grief, Jacob, please tell me you're not that stupid."

Apparently, he  _was_  that stupid. His face contorted in rage. "I don't understand you, Bella. He's gone – don't you get it? He left you. He doesn't want you. I almost bought this little lies in the tent, when he pretended how much he loved you, telling me all about that shit he pulled last fall, leaving you because he thought that was best for you. He was right, you know... he should have just stayed away. Too damn bad he can't get it right." He was sneering in my face. "Filthy bloodsucker. He leaves, he comes back, he leaves again. Make up your mind, why don't you." He leaned down towards me and his arm flew out to grab me by the waist, pulling me to him, crushing me against him. My braced hand pushed powerlessly against his chest.

I heard Charlie coming down the stairs.

"Jake, stop! Don't touch me!" My uninjured hand flew on its own volition into Jake's face, slapping him and he recoiled in shock, letting go of me. The tremors ran down his arms, and I knew he was trying to stop himself from phasing. I got scared.

"Jake," I said, holding up my hands, "calm down, please. You're in Charlie's kitchen. Please. Charlie will see."

He wouldn't listen, his arms trembling, his eyes screwed shut. I had to protect Charlie.

I hissed in frustration and fear, opened the back door and stomped out of the kitchen, into the yard. He followed me just as Seth came through the open front door, and saw what was going on. He pushed past Charlie and ran to my side.

"Jake," he said quietly, with this hands held up. "Calm down, bro. You don't want to do that with her next to you. Bella, move back. Don't come any closer, Jake."

"It's okay, Seth," I offered, keeping my eyes on Jacob, who still hadn't gotten himself under control. "Look, Jake – I told you... I don't have a choice here. I have to go after him. He misunderstood. This is all a huge misunderstanding. Now, please calm down. I have got to leave. Please, Jake."

"No! Fuck that, Bella. I can't believe you'd be that stupid. He fucking left you." His voice rose to a shouting volume, as the tremors got stronger. I carefully stepped a few feet back, brushing against Seth who moved in front of me. "Don't you get it?" Jake yelled. "He. Left. You. Are you that fucking stupid?"

With that, he exploded and the russet-colored wolf stood in my back yard, growling. I stared at him in complete disbelief. A loud gasp from the kitchen got my attention.

I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe. There was a horse-sized wolf in the yard, and Charlie was looking at him.

"Oh, shit," Seth screamed as he pushed me towards the kitchen door. "Jacob! Phase back, you idiot! You're not supposed to phase yet. Dr. Fang said so. Change back! Now! "

My feet started to move. I turned and raced past my father who had been listening to the conversation from the kitchen. His face was as white as a sheet. "Wh... Wh...Wha... "

Ignoring him for the moment, I ran up the stairs, stumbling only once, and tore into his bedroom to pull his old baseball bat out of his closet. My left hand was throbbing from when it had made contact with Jacob's face, and the other was still firmly ensconced in the brace Carlisle had put me in after I had broken it on Jacob's hard chin. I also grabbed an old pair of sweatpants as an afterthought.

I went back downstairs, grasping the aluminum bat as firmly as I could in my injured hand and gave the pants to Seth. Jacob was still standing in the backyard, his growls and snarls bouncing off the house.

"Damn it, Jake. Calm the hell down. Phase back. Don't make me call Sam." Seth was trying his best to seem calm, but the shocked and desperate look in his eyes told the real story. He glanced frantically at Charlie and then back at Jake. His eyes were panicked, too. "Here." Seth threw him the sweatpants, and they landed in front of Jacob's feet. "Go change."

Jacob whined, but he picked up the pants with his teeth and disappeared into the trees, only to come back a few moments later, wearing the pants.

I turned to Charlie. "Er... Dad? Are you okay?"

His face was still very pale, his mouth hanging open. He was in shock. I moved towards him and pulled him over to a chair. "Sit down, Dad. I'm sorry to had to see that. I'll explain in a minute, okay? Just take a few deep breaths."

I stalked back into the yard and lifted the bat over my shoulder. "I distinctly remember, Jacob, that you offered me the use of a baseball bat the next time I wanted to hit you." My voice was low and menacing, my eyes narrowed. "So, unless you want to make this bat's acquaintance, I suggest you get the hell out of my house. We are  _so_  done. I can't believe I felt guilty for hurting you. I regret every single tear I shed for you last night. How dare you come here and mock my relationship with Edward? How dare you show up at my door step and gloat? Get the hell away from me, and if I never see you again, it will be too soon."

He had the audacity to laugh. "Good one, Bells. Now give me that bat before you hurt yourself."

I threw a quick glance at Charlie who still sat heavily in the kitchen chair, staring at nothing, not even blinking. His face had yet to recover its usual color.

"What were you thinking, Jacob? You just phased in front of Charlie. How am I supposed to explain that? Did you think about that before you lost your temper, you moronic dog?" I seethed at him, wondering silently what I was going to tell Charlie.

He had the good sense to look ashamed. "I know. I'm sorry, Bells. Look, I'll explain things to Charlie..."

His use of my old nickname made me mad. "The hell you will. I'm not going to leave you alone with him. Get lost, Jacob. It's over. I don't know where my friend went, but he isn't here." I turned to Seth. "Can you take him home, please?"

Seth nodded, his eyes downcast. "Yeah... come on, Jake. I think you've done enough for one day. We're gonna have to tell Sam about this."

"I'm going to talk to Charlie," I announced. Jacob quickly stepped into my path. I recoiled and he held up his hands, taking a step back.

"I think we should be here for that," he offered, indicating himself and Seth, staring intently. He seemed to feel genuinely guilty and worried. I sighed, knowing that their presence would likely help me explain this madness. They knew the stories better than I did, and they had heard those that had imprinted explain it to those they loved. Besides, if Charlie fainted, I surely wouldn't be able to get him off the floor.

"Fine. Come inside." Without another look at Jacob, I strode into the kitchen and positioned myself next to Charlie, motioning for Jacob and Seth to sit down.

"Dad? Are you okay? Can you look at me, please?" I pleaded with him, desperate to get a reaction. I was worried about him being in shock. Completely understandable, after what he had just witnessed.

He looked at me, then moved his gaze to Jacob on the chair across from him and then Seth, who stood fidgeting in the door frame. "What the hell just happened here?" he whispered. "Where did that huge wolf come from?"

"Uh...," Jacob started, looking a little worried, "that's a very good question, Charlie. Did Billy ever tell you the stories of our tribe? The old legends of how we came to be?"

Charlie shook his head. "Not really. I know there's some old superstitions that he believes in. But they're just old stories, Jake...superstitions..."

Jacob nodded slowly. "I used to think that, too, Charlie...but I know different now."

Charlie stared at him. "What? Do you mean... that they're... real?"

Jacob shrugged. "Looks that way."

"So your stories say that you can turn into a... wolf?"

"Yeah..."

"Holy smokes, Jake. Like a werewolf?" Charlie was way too rational, and I was afraid that he was still in shock. I turned to Seth and whispered, "He's too calm."

Seth nodded and whispered back, "Yeah. I would have expected him to freak out."

"Me, too. This isn't good." I didn't get a chance to say more when Charlie gasped and all color fled his face.

"Bella!"

"Y-yes?"

"Have you seen Jake do this before? You didn't seem surprised..."

 _Crap_!

"Uhm...yes. Once or twice," I mumbled.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he demanded.

"Uh...well...it's like this, Dad...uhm...Jake, some help here?" I looked at him beseechingly and he manned up.

"Charlie, nobody's supposed to know about any of this, at least not on the outside. Billy knows, of course, and so do the other elders. They all know the stories. We're told from the time we're little about the men that can turn into wolves and protect the tribe. I can't really tell you much more." Jacob shrugged again.

That apparently was the wrong way to approach this as Charlie's face flushed red again and he started to get loud. "I entrusted you with the safety of my daughter, Jacob Black, and you're telling me that she's been around you when you morphed into a huge animal?"

"She was never in danger, Charlie, I promise. I would have never told her or let her see me like that, but then she figured it out..."

"Don't you blame me for this, Jake," I snapped at him. "You told me the stories long before your first change."

He turned to me and glared, seething, his jaw clenched. "Yeah, when you started dating that filthy bloodsucker," he snarled through his teeth.

 _Double crap_!

"Holy shit, now he's done it," Seth whimpered next to me.

"Bloodsucker? What are you talking about, Jake?" Charlie interrupted. "She's only ever dated... Edward," he finished and I could see the wheels starting to spin in his head. He turned his head to me. "Bella? What does he mean?"

 _Holy shit_!

My eyes flickered from Charlie to Jake to Seth and back to Charlie, and I decided to just bite the bullet and deal with the consequences later. A deep calm settled over me. The cat was out of the bag, and that was that. Edward would figure out a way to keep Charlie safe. Carlisle would know what to do.

I took a deep breath and moved a chair in front of my father to sit down, raising my eyes to capture his. "Well, what Jacob means is that there are things going on around us that we humans are not supposed to know. Like the fact that some of the Quileutes can turn into very large wolves. Or that there are creatures of myth that actually exist."

"Like what?" Charlie asked, and I could tell he wasn't quite taking me seriously. "Those are all superstitions, Bells."

"You'd think so," I muttered and he stared at me in shock.

"What are you saying, Bella? What kind of mythical creatures are we talking here? Witches? Ogres? Trolls?"

I shrugged. "Not sure about those. But as you can see, werewolves do exist." I couldn't bring myself to say more. So much for feeling calm.

"What she's trying to say, Charlie," Seth offered, "is that there are certain creatures of our legends that do exist. Like werewolves."

"But what is that bloodsucker Jacob mentioned? What does any of this have to do with that Cullen boy?"

Seth glanced at Jacob who glanced at me. The unspoken question hung in the room. What do we do now?

"Well, Charlie," Jacob said finally, with a heavy voice and sorrow in his tone. "There's a reason for us to change into wolves. It's to protect our people from the... cold ones."

"What are the cold ones?" Charlie asked immediately. I held my breath.

"Vampires," Jacob breathed.

Charlie let out a laugh. "Oh, come on, Jake. Vampires? Is this some kind of joke?" He looked at me, and I was unable to hide the truth in my eyes. He noticed it instantly, and I saw the comprehension wash over his face. "Bella? Is this true?"

I didn't move. I couldn't move. Seth sighed helplessly next to me. Jacob looked at me, an apology in his eyes.

Charlie stood up and grabbed me by my shoulders. "Damn it, Bella. It's true, isn't it? I can see it in your eyes. Goddamn it! What the hell have you gotten yourself into? Bella – tell me. Is Edward one of them? Is he a... vampire?"

I had no idea what to say. Frantically, glanced at Jacob for help but he just returned my gaze and shrugged. I knew I had to say something, make it sound like a ridiculous idea, to keep Charlie safe.

"Uh... what?"

"Charlie," Jacob spoke up, "we need you to understand something. Nobody's supposed to know about these things. We know," he motioned to Seth and himself, "only because we are what we are. There are reasons why we keep this secret. There are laws that have to be followed. And you knowing more than you already do could put you in grave danger."

"What about Bella?" Charlie asked, staring at me incredulously. "She obviously knows. Is  _she_  in danger?"

"No, of course not," I said immediately, silencing Jacob with a glare. "He would never hurt me. He...doesn't kill humans, Dad. Yes, he drinks blood, but they hunt animals, not people."

I shouldn't have said that.

"They?" came the instant question. "Shit, Bella – are all of them...vampires? All the Cullens? Dr. Cullen? And you've known this? How long... since when... how long have you known?"

"From the start," I whispered, looking at my hands. "From the moment Edward and I fell in love, I've known."

Charlie let out a sharp huff of air. "Why didn't you tell me, kiddo?" he asked softly. My eyes filled with tears.

"I couldn't, Dad," I answered quietly. "Humans are not supposed to know. There are laws in their world... Dad, please. I need to talk to Edward. Please, please, you cannot speak of this to anyone." I raised my eyes to his. "Please, Dad, you have to promise me, that you won't tell anyone about this. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you."

"Don't worry, Bella," Jacob cut in. "We'll keep him safe. But she's right, Charlie. You can't speak of it. Not a word. To no one."

"Dad, I have got to go to Edward's house," I injected. "I need to talk to him, about what happened last night, and about what you know now. He'll find a way to keep you safe, I promise. I hate leaving you like this, and I'm sure you have tons of questions, but I probably won't be able to answer most of them. Please, I'm asking you to trust me, okay? I  _have_  to go now. I  _have_  to go after him."

Jacob rolled his eyes.

"I will take you, Bella," Charlie offered. "I'd like to speak with Edward myself."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea, Dad," I returned. "Not after last night. I really want to talk to him myself... explain." Tears started to fall from my eyes again. "If he's still there," I sniffed. "Oh, God...what if he's already gone? What am I going to do? I need him, Dad. I love him."

He wrapped his arms around me awkwardly. "Sshhh, honey, it will be okay. You'll be fine. Come on, let me take you over there."

"Why are you doing this, Bella?" Jacob snapped, standing up so quickly that his chair screeched across the linoleum. "He left you again, just like I told you he would. Don't be stupid, Bella. Charlie, you have to keep her away from him. He's just a filthy bloodsucker." The veins were popping out of his neck, his face was red and angry.

"Shut up, Jacob," Charlie said forcefully. "I've never wanted to admit it, but all I've ever seen him do is look at Bella with pure love in his eyes. Everything he does, the way he moves around her, like he's protecting her, all of it is done with love. I don't like him for what he did to her last fall, leaving her like that, but he had his reasons and Bella has forgiven him. I may not like how she feels about him, but that doesn't give you the right to tell me what to do."

"What?" Jacob bellowed. "Are you nuts? He's a fucking vampire, Charlie. He'll kill her."

Charlie sucked in a breath, and his next words completely floored me. "If that were the case, I think he's had plenty of opportunity to do that. If he hasn't by now, I doubt he will. And if my daughter tells me that he won't, I'm gonna believe her." He squeezed my shoulders reassuringly.

Seth had gotten awfully quiet. I glanced at him. He appeared to be thoroughly embarrassed by how Jacob was behaving.

"Jacob, I really think you should leave now," I said. "Thanks for coming by but I really have to go now."

"Bella," Jacob spit through his teeth, with fire in his eyes. "He  _left_  you. Again. When will you fucking get that through your thick skull? He doesn't  _want_ you."

I never thought Jacob would speak to me that way. I didn't know what to say, but I knew deep in my heart that he was wrong. Edward  _did_  want me. He loved me so much that he had given me up, thinking that it would make me happy, thinking that my tears the night before meant I wanted to be with Jacob. I stared at him silently, while he crossed his arms over his chest.

Charlie came to my rescue again. "That's quite enough, Jacob. I believe she has asked you to leave. Get out of my house." He pointed towards the foyer.

"The hell I will, Charlie," Jacob snapped with ferocity. "You're the one who called me to tell me that  _he_  had left again. You're the one who told me to come over here. And now you wanna throw me out? This is bullshit." He crossed his arms over his chest with a huff and glared at Charlie.

My father was clearly annoyed, and seemed to regret having made that call so precipitously. "You are in my house, Jacob Black, and I'm the Chief of Police in this town. Unless you want to find yourself in jail faster than you can blink, you need to do as you're told and get the hell out. Now!" Charlie put his finger under my chin and raised my head to look into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have made that call," he said quietly and put his arm around my shoulders. I sighed.

"Jacob, just go." I turned my body away from him and leaned into my father. I heard his heavy steps move towards the door, with Seth following, shooting an apologetic glance over his shoulder. The sound of the door slamming released the breath I'd been holding. The car peeled away from the curb, the tires screeching. Had to be Jacob driving.

Charlie exhaled, too. "I really am sorry, Bells. I had no idea he would react like that."

"It's okay, Dad. I know you didn't mean any harm." I extricated myself from him, and started to walk towards the hall.

"No, it's not okay, Bella," he disagreed vehemently. "I don't like you being talked to that way. For all his leaving you broken last fall, Edward has  _never_ spoken to you like that. He's never been anything but respectful and loving towards you. I've just been too stubborn to see it." His voice was gruff, and his eyes were studying the kitchen floor.

I sighed again. "Yes, he is. Dad... can you understand? I  _love_  him. There's no one else for me, and there never will be."

"You're a Swan, Bells," he tried to joke. "We mate for life."

I grinned crookedly at him, thinking of how he'd never gotten over mom leaving him. "Yeah," I nodded. "I guess I am."

"Go after him, kid. I understand. I know now that it's what you need to do. Don't let a misunderstanding stand in the way of your happiness. Come on – I'll drive you. How about it?"

I had hoped to drive myself, but I didn't want to make him feel bad. "Sure, Dad, that'd be nice." I silently wondered if Charlie would use the opportunity to apologize to Edward. I knew my father, and when he was wrong, he usually made sure to make things right again. And I needed to let the Cullens know that now my father knew their secret, too.

His reactions to all these revelations were still making my head spin. He was too calm, too normal. Perhaps this all hadn't sunk in yet. Maybe he was in shock. I didn't really know how to tell. His color looked normal, and he was breathing calmly, too.

"Er...Dad?," I said slowly. "I...Are you okay? Do you feel okay?" There was more behind my question, and he heard what I couldn't say.

He looked at me with a knowing smile. "Bella, I've had my suspicions for a while," he answered with a rough voice. "The boy's been around for months, during dinner time, never eating, never drinking anything. I might be old, Bells, but I'm not stupid."

I exhaled in a rush. "What?" I stared at him disbelievingly. "You...why...how...why didn't you say something?"

He laughed once. "What was I supposed to say, kiddo? 'I think your boyfriend's a little strange'? That would have gone over well, right?"

I smiled despite my tears. "Yeah, probably not. But Edward never said anything, that you might suspect he wasn't human."

"How would he know?" Charlie asked. "It's not like he can read my mind, is it?" He chuckled lightly. I didn't respond, and his eyes met mine in an instant. "What? Holy smokes, Bella, I don't like that look on your face. What are you not telling me?"

"Er...yeah...about that, Dad..." I couldn't bring myself to speak the words.

Charlie blanched. "He's a mind reader?"

I simply nodded. We stared at each other for a minute, neither of us speaking, but I could see guilt in Charlie's eyes as we both remembered all the times he had thought ill of Edward. He might not have spoken his thoughts, but the expressions on his face had been very clear. I had ignored them most of the time, and Edward had usually laughed at them and assured me it was fine.

"All this time...he's known what I was thinking?" Charlie muttered, sounding ashamed.

"Dad...it's okay," I tried to soothe him. "He can't really read your thoughts clearly. He told me that he just gets bits and pieces."

"Is that supposed to make feel better, Bella? Because it sure doesn't," Charlie grumbled. "What about you? Can he read your thoughts, too?"

I shook my head with a small smile on my lips. "No, not at all. We're not sure why that is, but I'm completely silent to him. He doesn't like that much," I chuckled, thinking of all the times he had been so anxious to know what I was thinking.

"Huh," Charlie said in a huff. "So, what Jacob said and Seth...it's true, then? Edward is a vampire? All the Cullens are? Little Alice, too?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

"And you've known this all along?" he verified.

"Yes. I've known from the start. Dad, he's not dangerous, not to me. He would never hurt me. Please believe that. None of them would." I knew that with absolute certainty. Not even Jasper would, not after what had transpired in the last few months. He still looked at me with guilt every time he saw me.

Charlie looked at me for what seemed like an awfully long time, then nodded. "Yeah. I believe you."

We both fell silent, each of us caught up in our own thoughts, starting at nothing. The pain came back at me like a battering ram, and the hole in my chest gaped wider and wider until my heart was engulfed by it, and my lungs could not function, being crushed by the darkness that expanded inside me.

Edward had left, Edward was gone – because of me. Tears gathered in the corners of my eyes as they fell on the phone and I jumped up, grabbing the receiver like a lifeline. "Edward," I croaked.

My father's head snapped up. "Call him." I felt stupid for not having thought of that sooner.

My fingers flew over the buttons as I dialed his cellphone. It rang six times and went to voice mail. There was no greeting, only a beep. I spoke rapidly as big, fat tears streamed down my face. "Edward, please...I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please call me back. I need you, Edward, only you. I was wrong, and I'm so sorry. I love you. Always. Please, Edward." I started crying in earnest and my throat closed up. Charlie took the receiver from me, gently prying my fingers off the plastic.

"Edward, this is Charlie. Please call the house as soon as you get this message. Bella needs you. And for what it's worth...I'm sorry, too." He hung up the phone and gently pulled me into his arms.

"Come on, kiddo. Let's go." Charlie dragged me into the hallway, grabbing his keys from the bowl on the table.

As he opened the front door, the phone rang. I spun around and ran into the kitchen, my fingers closing around the receiver and holding it to my ear. "Edward?"

A bell-like voice chimed through the phone. "I'm afraid not, Bella. Can you come over? It's important."

I babbled into the phone. "Where is he, Alice? Is he at home?"

"I'm so sorry, Bella. He's..."

"He's gone, isn't he?" I croaked as the hole in my chest blew wide open and I crumbled to the ground. The receiver fell from my hands.

"Bella? Bella?" I heard Alice's voice frantically calling my name but I couldn't move. Through a fog, I heard Charlie step into the kitchen, picking up the phone. I clung to his voice as my arms folded around my chest, trying to hold myself together.

"This is Charlie. Who's this?" Pause. "Alice, what the hell is going on?" Pause. "We were on our way over just now." Pause. "Okay, we'll be there as soon as possible."

He hung up the phone again, and pulled me off the floor. "Come on, Bella," he said gently. "We'll get it all sorted out. Alice invited us over. They are waiting for us."

"Edward's gone, he's gone," I whispered brokenly.

Charlie exhaled. "Yes, Bells. He left town early this morning, Alice said. Don't cry, honey. There's still hope. Come on, let's drive over there."

He carried me to the cruiser, put me in the passenger seat and strapped me in. A few seconds later, he got into the car himself and we were driving towards my destiny.

The whole way there, I revisited the last few months in my mind, going in circles over everything that had happened. The stress, the fears, the anguish in his eyes. A few things stood out with great clarity.

The first time I had driven off to visit Jacob, against Edward's explicit warning not to do so. The way Edward had looked when I came home that night, the tension and fear and anguish in his eyes when I asked him if he was jealous. Now that I thought about it, he hadn't denied his jealousy, not in so many words. He'd insisted that all he  _cared_  about was my safety. Did that mean that he  _was_  jealous after all?

The tears fell.

The times he had dropped me off at the boundary line so I could visit Jacob, anxiety and agony in his eyes, though I could see that he'd tried to hide it from me. I had seen, but I had ignored it, too busy trying to keep my friend, instead of worrying over how Edward might feel.

I cried harder.

The night in the tent when he had to allow Jacob to climb into the sleeping bag with me so I wouldn't freeze anymore, knowing he couldn't provide me with warmth himself. That must have killed him. He was always so protective, so intent on giving me anything and everything I needed, keeping me from harm in any way possible. To see his bitter enemy give me what Edward could not must have broken his heart.

That morning, I had let Jacob trick me into kissing him, in my misguided attempt to stop him from doing something foolish. Edward had to watch my betrayal in Jacob's mind, and see my shame laid out for the whole pack to see. And yet, he loved me still.

And then he had to watch me cry bitter tears over Jacob Black.

No wonder he had left me.

I sobbed into my hands.

How had I not seen this sooner?

ooo~~~OOO~~~ooo

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 **A/N:**  So, that is it... Bella has woken up, in more ways than one. Jacob Black lost his temper and phased in Bella's backyard. WTF was he thinking? Seth is all embarrassed, and Charlie knows the secret. What do you think will happen next? What will Bella do once she gets to the Cullens' house?

Reviews are an author's reward. Won't you leave one for me?


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